Things I Would Have Tweeted About On Holiday If I Had The Internet.

I've been told (though modesty makes me dispute it) that Twitter isn't worth reading when I'm away. As I've recently had a week off, I thought I'd cover some of the topics I would have tweeted about, if I'd been around.

Dear skanky woman, a regular bra is NOT a top for outdoor wear. You know it's a bra. We know it's a bra. Do you know we know it's a bra?
You see some sights in British tourist resorts. Not all of them pleasant. One of which was a woman wearing a bra and shorts. Not a bikini top, a regular (old) underwear bra. And not a nice bra. One you wouldn't want the rest of the world seeing. I'd know it as a Washday Bra, and that'd be for keeping strictly under my clothes on days when nothing more presentable was clean. Bleh. A proper top would also have probably hidden the hideous knuckle-duster-and-roses tramp stamp tattoo.

While we're on the subject...

Always pay more than a tenner for a tattoo. I don't care what it is. Anything permanent is worth more than £10. #SelfRespect
I've never seen so many "Any name for £10" choose-your-tattoo-from-a-catalogue tattoo shops as I did in Great Yarmouth. There must have been six or seven on the SAME STREET. Coincidentally, there were also a lot of hideous tattoos (little devils, deformed tigers, deformed Tiggers...You get the picture). Funny that.

I don't care if you think it's quirky, or there's a "great" story behind it, misspelled tattoos make you look like a complete moron.#losers
Probably also linked to the shops mentioned above. I wish it wasn't socially frowned-upon to take random photographs of strangers, because there were so many awful mistakes it seems criminal not to share them with the world. It's also really annoying when you're waiting to pay for something and someone is holding up the queue explaining their hilarious/deeply meaningful/just generally crap misspelled tattoo to the cashier. If you do something like that by choice you look like an idiot. a) Because you have a spelling error permanently etched in a visible place on your body, b) You did that (presumably) out of choice, and c) That'd better be a damn great story, because you will be re-telling it for the rest of your life to try and explain away your moronic decision. If it was the tattooist's fault, then fair enough, sue them or whatever, get it fixed, move on. Don't do it on purpose. To anyone outside your own head where it seemed like a good idea, you look completely ridiculous.

"IT'S SO FLUFFY, I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!" #UnicornLove

John had to leave early and come home to work after 3 days, but before he went he bought me...AGNES' UNICORN!!! Despicable Me (& 2) is a big deal in our house. Particularly the minions, and fluffy unicorn. Not sure how I managed to make myself squinty and the normally squinty unicorn not squinty, but there you go. I'm a talented photographer, especially with a phone camera. Go figure.

MISSION: COMPLETED. #Oooooooooh #TheClaw #TheClawIsMyBitch

 

Everyone needs minions, right? Every arcade we passed I had a quick go on the grabber machines to get a minion. Clearly by the last day they recognised my desperation, and rewarded me.

 

RIP Sir David Frost #RIP

Were I the kind to joke at the passing of celebrities, I would draw an amusing link between the passing of David Frost on Saturday evening and the passing of national institution "Through The Keyhole" to that pillock Keith Lemon which debuted on Saturday night. But I'm not. So I won't. RIP Sir. I spent many a happy Friday night munching apple slices dipped in sugar (stop judging me, I was a child, and it's delicious watching "Through The Keyhole".

Family. Dog. Chips. Sunset. #Lovely

 

On our last night, we bought chips, strolled through the park, and found a bench next to the quayside to watch the sunset. I love family holidays.

Trade Descriptions Act, anyone? #Bullfinch #Seagull 

WTF?!?!!?!!!!
When we first saw this guy, I sort of shuffled past in polite embarrassment, sort of the way you do when you know you shouldn't laugh, because it's not the person's fault that they're funny. It felt a bit like laughing at a funeral...Only the "funeral" was a guy who was possibly dropped on his head as a child. I desperately wanted to share him with the world, but I was so uncomfortable about filming/taking a picture, because it seemed like exploiting someone with obvious...Difficulties, shall we say. Fortunately for me the internet is full of heartless ba*ds who didn't care about that, and this guy is all over Youtube:

I like to think he is fulfilling his destiny by bringing a smile to the faces of millions of people. At...With...As long as they're laughing does it really matter?

We miss you, @killerbus...

Two people left the house. Only one came back. The dog was confused and sat like this for a very long time, waiting. Dogs just don't get the demands of having a job.

 

 

So, there you go! I'm sure there were many more Tweetable occurrences that I've forgotten about, but never mind.