I love my gym, I really do. Well...I love the pool and the gigantic jacuzzi. I haven't visited the actual gym floor enough to form an opinion on it. But the more I swim, the more I realise that I hate a great many people who go to my gym.
* Why are you wearing full make-up to the swimming pool?! Seriously, I don't care how waterproof your mascara is, you don't need it on at the pool. You look like an idiot (even moreso if you get splashed in the face and wind up with drippy clown make-up), and you're obviously not working out enough if you can emerge from the pool still fully made up.
* There are signs EVERYWHERE (I've spotted five signs between reception and the poolside) telling you to shower before you get into the pool. So why is there a constant stream of bone-dry people getting into the pool, without taking a shower first? I have to say, this is mainly old ladies. This has to be my biggest pet hate of the gym. I don't care if you showered before you left home. Why did you bother to shower before you left home, knowing that really you should shower before you get in the pool anyway? Save time and your water bill, and shower at the gym!
* If you are built like a bullfrog, no-one wants to see you stretch, squat and lunge by the side of the pool. This is mainly men who obviously used to be quite sporty, and think they still are. Easy way to tell if you fall into this catagory? If, when doing a press-up, your stomach hits the ground whilst your arms are still pretty much straight (allowing the movement to be more horizontal SpaceHopper movement than actual press-up), you should probably be working out in private. Or at least not on very public display in your tighty Speedos. The cafe window overlooks the pool, you know, and people are trying to eat. Also, the last thing I want to see when I surface at the end of the pool is you squatting above me at the water's edge. It's creepy. Still, at least you showered before horrifying us all, so thanks for that small mercy.
* Aqua-fit. Not the people who do Aqua-fit...I admire their Aqua-fitness and I doubt that I could complete a full class at my age let alone when I'm a pensioner. What I hate is sharing a pool with Aqua-fit. 20+ not exactly skinny people jumping up and down at the same time causes a tidal wave that invariably smacks me into the side of the pool when I'm trying to do my laps. That gets a bit wearing. Also, the instructors. They shout. A lot. I appreciate that they have to be loud to be heard over their music, but really, you're playing dance/disco music to a bunch of senior citizens. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you turned it down a bit. And whilst we're on the whole music issue, Aqua-fit instructors, I do not need to see you coaxing a bunch of OAPs into wiggling around with giant pool noodles to a sped-up dance mix of "Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones. Maybe choose something a little more audience-appropriate.
* If the person you are sharing a lane with is faster than you, there is no shame in admitting it and allowing them to over-take you. If you reach the end of the pool a second before the person behind you, maybe consider offering to let them set off first, instead of crawling along leading your own parade of p!ssed off faster swimmers who are stuck trailing behind you. I don't mind if you're slow. I mind if you make me go slow.
* The jacuzzi is for relaxing. Ditto the sauna. Personally, I prefer to listen to the relaxy music they pipe into the jacuzzi area than the sounds of a Lahore street market. By that I mean STOP SHOUTING IN THE JACUZZI AND SAUNAS (see how annoying shouting in the wrong place is?). I appreciate that in other countries such places are much more social, and probably rowdy, but I dread pulling into the car park and finding it full of taxis, because 99% of the time that means the jacuzzi and sauna will be off-limits. Also, last time I checked, you do not own the jacuzzi, so don't try and stare me down when I walk in and you're holding some kind of conference in there. To be honest, I don't speak your language, it's not like I'm listening in and I'd rather not be able to hear you at all. Indoor voices please.